Here are some jokes for you.
Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !
Sometimes we miss the meaning of life????
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, ?Only a little while.?
The American then asked, ?Why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish??
The Mexican said ?I have enough to support my family's immediate needs.?
The American then asked, ?But what do you do with the rest of your time??
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria. I stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you, you should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NY where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said, ?That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!?
?Millions, senor? Then what??
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife. You could stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos....."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
St. Peter halted a man at the gates of heaven, and said: ?You have told too many lies to enter here.?
?Have a heart,? said the man. ?You were a fisherman yourself.?
A hippy notices a beautiful nun sitting near him on the bus, and asks her out.
The nun declines.
Then he says, ?Fancy a root then??
Of course the nun says no, then gets off.
The bus driver notices the hippy?s disappointment, so he leans over and says, ?You really want that nun, eh??
The hippy nods enthusiastically. ?Well,? says the bus driver, ?every Monday at 6pm she takes this bus to the cemetery and prays for an hour. You could be there ...?
The hippy gets excited and soon has a plan.
Next Monday he waits at the cemetery, and sure enough at 6pm the nun enters. He quietly follows until she stops by a grave and begins to pray. The hippy dons a flowing robe and a fake beard from his bag, then catches her attention and steps towards her. ?My child,? he says softly, ?it is I your Lord. For your faith I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience.?
The nun gasps, ?Oh. Okay, but can you take me from behind? I could still consider myself a virgin, and I cherish my celibacy.?
The eager hippy agrees and the two have anal sex until both are satisfied.
After they are done, the hippy pulls off the mask and shouts ... ?Aha, I am the hippy!? to which the nun responds by taking of her mask and shouting ?Aha! I am the bus driver!?
A guy dies and finds himself in hell.
Despairing, he has his first meeting with the Devil. ?Why so glum, chum?? asks the Devil.
?Why do you think? I?m in hell.? Says the guy.
?Hells not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun down here. You a smokin? and drinkin? man?? asks Satan.
The guy says he is.
?Well you?re going to love it. Monday is smoking day, and Tuesday is drinking day. We all get the finest cigars and alcohol from around the world, and if you get cancer, no biggie, you?re already dead!?
?That sounds great!? says the guy.
?Like gambling?? asks the Dev.
?My oath.? comes the reply.
?Great! You?ll love Wednesdays. We gamble all day - poker, roulette, blackjack, whatever. And if you go broke, well, you?re dead already,? says Satan. ?Are you into drugs??
?My oath!? says the guy, ?but you don?t mean ..?
?Yep. Thursday is drugs day,? says Satan. ?Help yourself to a big bowl of crack, smack, reefers, whatever you want. And if you OD, who cares - you?re dead anyway.?
?Yowser! I never knew that hell was such a swinging place,? says the guy.
?Yep, it?s great!? says the Satan, ?Are you gay??
?Hell no!? say the guy.
?Ooooh,? says the Devil, ?you?re really gonna hate Fridays ...?
A gentleman died and arrived in hell.
He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell,each person is offered three choices of torture.
The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains.
The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails.
The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.
The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said "Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years."
The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now. I've found your replacement."
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